With the lack of freedom lockdown brings, the abundance of time you suddenly have for self-reflection looms over you. This is not my usual blog but this is something I felt I couldn’t not write… Even if it is just a message to my older self from my younger (single and sassy) self.
Looking back at a younger me in past relationships it feels as if I am staring at a little sister. Some flashbacks play out so vivid as if etched on an eternal screen locked away in my long term memory for easy and instant viewing. Feeling all the wiser now, I want to reach into particular episodes of heart-wrenching hurt and say so many things.
‘If you are unhappy, leave!’
Difficult seeing little me put up with what felt like more than she ever should have.
‘You are worth so much more!’
At times, younger me had such a low opinion of herself and reminiscing, my heart breaks all over again for her.
The message I would like most to give her, the message I was given countless times in these moments of heartbreak, the message you don’t ever want to hear…
‘With time, wounds will heal.’
Is that not the worst thing someone could say all the while being so painstakingly relevant and true. Time heals all. That’s not what you want to hear in the moment nor is it really helpful at the time because it provides no instant gratification, no antidote for the pain. But it’s what you wish your younger self would realise when she is beside herself suffocating in tears.
While protective me wishes I could have been there for my younger self at times, to tell her Nutella numbs the pain and that it’s all going to be alright in the end. They were her life experiences to live and even if there was a way for me erasing them from my mind, I would not.
Meeting Mr Wrong and the rollercoaster of emotion he brings feels like the perfect combination of the worst and best thing in the world at the time. But while two people might be the wrong person for each other, they were right at the time for the lesson that they enable you to learn.
The wrong person, at the right time in your life.
Once you are fully removed, physically and emotionally from Mr Wrong, reflect on what he brought to you. Despite at the time feeling like they quite literally took everything they did, in fact, bring you something invaluable that you needed deeply. All of the things that they taught you about yourself. Mr Wrong gives you the lessons you need in order to move forward and grow. He is (part of) the reason you are so fabulous in this very moment. Although don’t give him all the credit.
Like a phoenix from the ashes believe you will rise from any pain a stronger version of yourself. As each china doll emerges from the next, know you have a fresh coat of paint and a greater perspective on life. Experience in all flavours, shapes and sizes prepares us for what’s to come. Whether that experience is good or bad, we cannot avoid it, as is the monopoly that is life.
If you look back at everything (or one) you consider a ‘mistake’ and ponder over the possibility that there was great significance to you experiencing what you went through, it has equipped you with the knowledge and power to be who you are today. Do not criticise the path the younger you chose as it was right for then and who would you be today without it?
If you are not yet at the stage of feeling fierce and are still nursing your healing wounds, unfortunately, I could only give you the same advice I would give younger me. You are worth so much more. Whatever the situation if you are unhappy, leave. With time, wounds will heal all.
And Nutella.
Not that I am actively in search of him right now but moving forward I am not even sure if a Mr Right is out there but you can at least have the faith that he will be a Mr Better-Than-Last-Time.
And the next time I inevitably bump into a Mr Wrong, it may be the right time to do so. In which case, I will probably need to re-read the words I have written here, hopefully providing me with some solace… some peace.
DISCLAIMER: this is not aimed at any ex in particular, you were all lovely and horrible in totally different life-changing ways
All things love, light and laughter
Jas x
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